Feeding Your Hungers – What Would It Be Like To Be A Well-Fed Woman?

It’s ironic that in the land of plenty so many of us are starving.

As women we know how to nurture.  So we nurture.  We take care of our families, we take care of our homes, we take care of our communities, we take care of our relationships, we take care of the world around us. 

Where we fall short: taking care of our own hungers.  Feeding ourselves in the way we most desire to be fed.  And as a result, even here in the developed world we’re a society of malnourished women who either don’t realize we’re starving, or are actively starving ourselves because we don’t believe our hungers to be worthy of feeding.

Deprivation of this type is as uncomfortable as physical hunger.  There are many flavors of hunger : hunger for intimacy, or beauty, or touch.  Hunger for truth, or connection, or rest.  Freedom.  Solitude.  Creativity.

Denying them seems not only harsh, but illogical.  And yet we routinely deny ourselves the simple pleasure of feeding these essential hungers.  Women, in particular, pretend the hungers away and push on with their lives as if this is what we must do to survive.

I know.  It’s a hard truth to hold. 

What are you hungry for?

Rachel Cole, a life coach and retreat facilitator in the San Francisco Bay Area, has created an entire body of work around asking women, What are you truly hungry for?  It’s a to-the-heart, stop-you-in-your tracks kind of question.  It packs a powerful punch.

Why don’t you take a moment, close your eyes and ask yourself the question.  Go on, we’ll wait. 

What did you come up with?

Chances are you were able to name a few things – maybe you’re hungry for touch, or hungry for accomplishment, or hungry for nature, or hungry for intimacy.  Then you may have gone immediately into the But’s … but I don’t have time, but I can’t afford it, but there’s no one in my romantic life, but I don’t have a job.  And once you start down that road you quickly lose enthusiasm for your hunger, burying it under a heavy pile of obstacles, both real and imagined.

So you sigh and deny the hunger.

And you press on as if it doesn’t exist.

This sets you up for the starvation mentioned above.  Whether you acknowledge it or not, your hunger exists.  It’s patient, and unobtrusive, and doesn’t much care how it gets fed.  It lives quietly, waiting for a spotlight to be shined upon it.  But your ignoring the hunger translates into a kind of survival normally reserved for people who are in extreme situations.  And you’re not starving; you’re merely inexperienced in feeding your hungers.  What would it be like to be well-fed?  And what would it be like to live in a society of well-fed women?

Let’s join the revolution that Rachel has begun. 

To get you started, here are some tips on feeding your hungers:

Adopt an attitude of curiosity and self-kindness.  
Go looking for what’s lurking beneath the surface, excited about finding it.  Rather than assuming you know what you’re seeking because of the circumstances you’re currently living, be open to discovering your hungers as if you’re meeting them for the first time.  Because, in fact, you are.  Your hungers aren’t fixed.

Acknowledge what you’re hungry for, without needing to do anything about feeding yourself.  
This step is crucial.  Name your hungers, and simply allow them to be present.  List them on paper, say them out loud, make them real.  Stay with the simple acknowledgment that they exist, even when you feel the stirrings of But … or the thoughts that begin with I can’t…

Brainstorm possibilities.  
How might I go about feeding this hunger?  What would satiation feel like?  Who or what is available to help me?  What do I already know about this, that I may have forgotten I know? 

Start with a teeny tiny step.  
It may seem overwhelming, taking on the feeding of a yawning need you’ve just identified.  Don’t let this paralyze you.  Instead, come up with an action you could take toward feeding the hunger, and make it half as large.  Then make it even smaller.  Find the smallest act you can commit to today, and do it.  Then find another one tomorrow.  Feed yourself in tiny increments, noticing what’s happening along the way.

Change your mindset.
Adopt a practice of regularly asking Rachel’s wonderful question, and be diligent about paying attention to the hungers that show themselves.  Feed them.  Commit to living a well-fed life, rather than a life of deprivation.

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This blog post was written by Amy Kessel, who has been profoundly moved by attending several Well-Fed Woman workshops with Rachel Cole.  To learn more about Rachel and her work, please visit her website.