Feeding Your Hungers – What Would It Be Like To Be A Well-Fed Woman?

It’s ironic that in the land of plenty so many of us are starving.

As women we know how to nurture.  So we nurture.  We take care of our families, we take care of our homes, we take care of our communities, we take care of our relationships, we take care of the world around us. 

Where we fall short: taking care of our own hungers.  Feeding ourselves in the way we most desire to be fed.  And as a result, even here in the developed world we’re a society of malnourished women who either don’t realize we’re starving, or are actively starving ourselves because we don’t believe our hungers to be worthy of feeding.

Deprivation of this type is as uncomfortable as physical hunger.  There are many flavors of hunger : hunger for intimacy, or beauty, or touch.  Hunger for truth, or connection, or rest.  Freedom.  Solitude.  Creativity.

Denying them seems not only harsh, but illogical.  And yet we routinely deny ourselves the simple pleasure of feeding these essential hungers.  Women, in particular, pretend the hungers away and push on with their lives as if this is what we must do to survive.

I know.  It’s a hard truth to hold. 

What are you hungry for?

Rachel Cole, a life coach and retreat facilitator in the San Francisco Bay Area, has created an entire body of work around asking women, What are you truly hungry for?  It’s a to-the-heart, stop-you-in-your tracks kind of question.  It packs a powerful punch.

Why don’t you take a moment, close your eyes and ask yourself the question.  Go on, we’ll wait. 

What did you come up with?

Chances are you were able to name a few things – maybe you’re hungry for touch, or hungry for accomplishment, or hungry for nature, or hungry for intimacy.  Then you may have gone immediately into the But’s … but I don’t have time, but I can’t afford it, but there’s no one in my romantic life, but I don’t have a job.  And once you start down that road you quickly lose enthusiasm for your hunger, burying it under a heavy pile of obstacles, both real and imagined.

So you sigh and deny the hunger.

And you press on as if it doesn’t exist.

This sets you up for the starvation mentioned above.  Whether you acknowledge it or not, your hunger exists.  It’s patient, and unobtrusive, and doesn’t much care how it gets fed.  It lives quietly, waiting for a spotlight to be shined upon it.  But your ignoring the hunger translates into a kind of survival normally reserved for people who are in extreme situations.  And you’re not starving; you’re merely inexperienced in feeding your hungers.  What would it be like to be well-fed?  And what would it be like to live in a society of well-fed women?

Let’s join the revolution that Rachel has begun. 

To get you started, here are some tips on feeding your hungers:

Adopt an attitude of curiosity and self-kindness.  
Go looking for what’s lurking beneath the surface, excited about finding it.  Rather than assuming you know what you’re seeking because of the circumstances you’re currently living, be open to discovering your hungers as if you’re meeting them for the first time.  Because, in fact, you are.  Your hungers aren’t fixed.

Acknowledge what you’re hungry for, without needing to do anything about feeding yourself.  
This step is crucial.  Name your hungers, and simply allow them to be present.  List them on paper, say them out loud, make them real.  Stay with the simple acknowledgment that they exist, even when you feel the stirrings of But … or the thoughts that begin with I can’t…

Brainstorm possibilities.  
How might I go about feeding this hunger?  What would satiation feel like?  Who or what is available to help me?  What do I already know about this, that I may have forgotten I know? 

Start with a teeny tiny step.  
It may seem overwhelming, taking on the feeding of a yawning need you’ve just identified.  Don’t let this paralyze you.  Instead, come up with an action you could take toward feeding the hunger, and make it half as large.  Then make it even smaller.  Find the smallest act you can commit to today, and do it.  Then find another one tomorrow.  Feed yourself in tiny increments, noticing what’s happening along the way.

Change your mindset.
Adopt a practice of regularly asking Rachel’s wonderful question, and be diligent about paying attention to the hungers that show themselves.  Feed them.  Commit to living a well-fed life, rather than a life of deprivation.

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This blog post was written by Amy Kessel, who has been profoundly moved by attending several Well-Fed Woman workshops with Rachel Cole.  To learn more about Rachel and her work, please visit her website.



    

Retreating – Guest Post by Karen Ely of A Woman’s Way

I have learned that if one advances confidently 
in the direction 
of his dreams, and endeavors to live 
the life he has imagined, 
he will meet with 
a success unexpected in common hours.  


~ Henry David Thoreau

    

Retreating is fundamental to a healthy, vibrant life.  It is only by taking the time to step back from your day-in and day-out busyness—in a safe, quiet, nourishing space—that you can hear the whispers of your own voice.  And only by hearing that voice can you find the clarity needed to take the journey back to yourself. 

Retreats are truly a calling.  But it takes time (and quiet) to hear the call.  You think, “I’m overwhelmed, confused, sad and anxious and I need to get away but right now I have no money or time (which, of course is why I am so overwhelmed) so I’ll do it later.”  You feel a bit better for a while and think, “Wow, I’m really doing okay.  What was I thinking?”  And then the anxiety builds again, “I’m overwhelmed and confused . . . “

And then one day you know what you have to do and you do it.  You turn on the computer, pick up the phone and make plans to take yourself on retreat.  Because it is your calling and you now realize that it is your path to a more peaceful, vibrant life. 

There are many ways to retreat and each offers its own rewards.  Some are facilitated, some are planned by you; some are for the weekend, some for a week, a month or more; some are silent and some are movement oriented, some are free, some can be costly.  But they all have their place.  The important thing is that you begin to find ways to retreat at least once each year.  They offer life-changing opportunities.

The following is taken from my first memoir, Daring to Dream:  Reflections on the Year I Found Myself.  I had just left my 32-year marriage and was retreating in the guest room of a friend’s home.  

“The early summer mornings are my favorite part of living in the Colorado Mountains. The spectacular light shining through the leaves, the tall grasses and wildflowers shifting side-to-side in the soft breeze. And the smell. How can I describe the smell? So fresh, so earthy, with soft wafts of pine-scents and the incredible deep blue sky framed behind the regal pines. And a horizon stretching to the end of my dreams. A couple of noisy jays, an occasional jet overhead and afternoon thunderboomers are all that break the tranquility. Otherwise, there is only quiet.

Standing behind the house, in tall grass wet with the morning dew, I’m practicing T’ai Chi when, looking up, I’m startled to see two bull elk eyeing me warily. I am still, hoping not to startle them and wanting to etch this special moment forever in my memory. I so love the beauty of this place.

Reading, writing and the quiet of this sanctuary are slowly giving me back to me, one step at a time.  I feel a sense of destiny, even though I don’t know, or really care where it takes me. I am keenly aware that the journey is becoming my destination, and I surprise myself with that thought.”

I spent a year in that home.  It was a painful transition, full of love and sadness and confusion, but I am deeply grateful that I took this road less traveled . . . because it changed everything. 

Retreating can take many forms, each offering their own rewards.  The following are some options to think about:   

• Personal retreats:  Like my experience described above, a personal retreat away from everything—whether for a weekend, a week or several weeks—offers the opportunity to get enough distance from your life to find some clarity and direction.  You can either do these alone, or organize a retreat with a friend or several friends.  I think it’s vital, however, to have a plan so you don’t waste an experience this precious. 
  
  There are many books that will help you plan and execute a retreat:  A Retreat of My Own written by me is a small book, perfect for sticking in your purse to take to the beach for an afternoon, or for a long weekend in a cabin, or several weeks at a retreat center or monastery.  You can do your retreat in stages (3 hours each week for several weeks) or all at one time.  It provides information on preparation, insightful exercises, and how to move forward after you complete your retreat.  Jennifer Louden’s The Woman’s Retreat Book is a fabulous resource by an amazing woman with much to share.    


• Facilitated Retreats:  Facilitated retreats offer you the chance to truly step away from your life—with everything planned for you.  In the hands of an experienced facilitator, in the company of other like-minded women, they offer an intense opportunity for self-change.  Obviously, I offer these and they are also offered by many experienced facilitators.  They are offered for a day, a weekend, a week or longer.  


• Hybrid Retreats:  These can offer a combination of a facilitated retreat (maybe for a weekend) with an add-on of a several day personal retreat, which can offer the perfect combination of an intense facilitated experience with time for personal reflection.

Do some research and see which one of these might work for you.  But begin making plans now to retreat sometime in the coming year.  You won’t be sorry.

Warmest wishes for creating retreat time for yourself,
Karen

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Karen Ely is the founder and director of A Woman’s Way, a women’s spiritual retreat program.  A Woman’s Way was created in 2003 to provide the space, support, tools and guidance necessary for women to create lives of meaning and futures steeped in passion and joy.  Karen’s retreats and programs have been led by some of the finest facilitators in the country and have been attended by women from around the world.